My Second year second semester is coming to an end soon with just 3 more papers to go. It's torturing to have just one paper in a week then gap six days and then 3 more papers consecutively next week. Exams Exams always make people can't sleep well can't eat well. 1.5 years more I am going to graduate already which means next semester i have to start to write my thesis and go for internship. Entering University always make me think that this is a new beginning for myself and to make myself believe that i am capable to achieve higher and better results and goals.Indeed, I really make it. I got my CGPA maintained in the dean list so far. It makes me once again become more confident to myself as i was in my primary and secondary education. It makes me forget those painful results,ignorance and discrimination from the teachers in the class during my form 6(from some of the teachers). I had experience the feelings of dropping down from the peak to the very bottom of the mountain. I have experienced how people around you change from admiring your ability till how people turn their faces back from you. Yet, I am glad to have know a bunch of good friends during this tough period of time. I can feel that after gone through the harsh emotional experience,I have become tougher and stronger emotional , see things form different perspective and understand that results doesn't really determine your future success. But yet, I am always numb and depressed because of not doing well in my exams.
I am 22 now and soon need to pick my own path and start my own career. I truly know that results of a student doesn't really mean much. If you are able to score high marks in your exams, doesn't means that you will earn more money.It all depends on our other skills and how are we going to prove and show to others that we are capable and talented.Indeed, may be for the first job of you, getting a first class honor will gain you selective advantage but after a few years, results slip don't even being bother. It's the experience that's being weight to determine your salary. These principles I also understand. But, I am born to be depressed by results. Seriously, I have been insomnia for this whole afternoon. I should be extremely tired after sitting for a paper this morning and not been having enough of sleep last night. Yet, I was rolling on my bed just now for an hour and couldn't even fall asleep. I know that I have not done good in this morning paper.
I know that i will not fail the paper but the feeling of "why am i so stupid? why can't i do well as other?". These kind of thought keep appear in my brain and i really couldn't fall asleep. I know that i am greedy. When i got 19/20 in my test, i want it to be 20/20. Some people may think that i am crazy. Frankly speaking, i do hope that i can get rid of this kind of attitude so that my life will be happier with what i am capable of getting. After so many years of exams, i know that everyone has his/her strong and weak points, some may good in facts and some may good in calculating or some may good in skills (music). Not all of us can be excel in any field. I can just said that advance calculation is not my cup of tea. I have to accept the fact that number doesn't fond me. May be I just need a couple of days to convince myself and motivate myself to fight for the next three papers. Truly hope that, my vacation can start right now! I need a break.
*Examination is the process that is used to separate people into different strata since we were born. For those who attain good results they will move on to higher position of the hierarchy of classification and get a sense of pride as they move on. For those who doesn't do well, they will be filtered and removed from the higher strata. This is how the diversity of roles that each and everyone are playing in the society emerge.
